How to show up for survivors of domestic violence

Domestic abuse cannot always be seen. But it can be heard.

In October, hundreds of community members joined law enforcement, family shelters, counseling services and advocates who raised a megaphone for survivor stories during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Some are repeat cases, says Sioux Falls Police Department detective Melinda Mitchell. Others are the ones you wouldn’t expect. But all contribute toward the 1,300 domestic violence reports Sioux Falls sees annually.

And that number is increasing every year, Mitchell says.

“You think domestic violence doesn’t happen here,” says Peter Hauck, whose wife, Alicen Hauck, is an area counselor who used to work with the Children’s Home Shelter for Family Safety (CHSSD, formerly the Children’s Inn). “But it’s in every community, every school, every office and every household. These things happen every day, and they thrive in silence.”

1 in 4: ‘I needed hope’

On Oct. 23, the Minnehaha County Family Violence Council hosted Take Back the Night, a candlelight vigil and intimate gathering that supported both victims and survivors of all ages in Sioux Falls.

Many college students attended the University of Sioux Falls event, like Southeast Tech graduate Morgan Malcomb, who in 2022 was held captive for days and severely beaten before she arrived at the emergency room, where her abuser was arrested.

She received the Survivor in Action Award at the Take Back the Night event.

Crisis advocate Linn Nelson shared her story, too, that night, of enduring 20 years’ worth of “narcissism, de-humanizing gaslighting and profound trauma” in an abusive marriage.

She left in 2016, then faced seven more years of post-divorce abuse. She still attends support groups today at CHSSD.

“I had severe PTSD and was so broken I couldn’t remember days,” Nelson said. “I needed hope that transcended logic and was bigger than me.”

These stories match one in four households nationwide that hide abuse. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), over 21,000 calls are made to hotlines every day asking for help.

And that’s from the ones who find the “courage” to call, says Deputy State's Attorney Collen Moran.

“When (a victim) calls the police, we know it has probably been one of the worst days of (their) life,” says Moran, who prosecutes felony cases in Minnehaha County. “It was a point where they just couldn’t take it anymore. But we want victims to know we are compassionate and supportive and hope all survivors can get to that point where they feel empowered.”

Outreach advocate JaeLynn Garry says once a victim can get past those feelings of isolation, a phone call can save a life.

“I can take that burden for you and face that with you,” she said during a panel presentation at Take Back the Night. She oversees law enforcement referrals and protection orders at CHSSD.

“Although you feel you don’t have control or power in your situation right now, you will have it someday, and I’m here to empower you to gain back that control,” Garry said.

‘Huge uptick’ in child pornography cases

Mitchell, whose work primarily covers Crimes Against Persons for Minnehaha and Lincoln counties, says that domestic violence is a “pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate relationship” that is used by one partner to “gain power and control” over the other.

All cases of intimidation, simple assault and aggravated assault are mandatory arrests in South Dakota, she says.

According to the NCADV, one in three adult women and one and four adult men have experienced “some form of physical violence by an intimate partner,” but South Dakota prosecutor Heather Knox says the likelihood of assault presents itself at a much earlier age.

She says she’s seeing a “huge uptick” in child pornography cases involving men ages 18 to 22. They’ve been online “since they were little kids” and have become “desensitized” to violence or empathy for assault victims, she says.

“I’m telling you, we need to be having conversations with boys and girls about consent, power and control, intimacy and sex," says Knox, who serves as both the human trafficking coordinator and the Project Safe Childhood coordinator for the District of South Dakota. "Our young adults need to be better educated to take better care of each other.”

Survivor and advocate Nelson says the ability to “reclaim safety” begins within. She had a “distorted self-perception” from childhood and met a “dead end” when looking at everyone else to define her identity. Years in support groups and therapy have helped her to “reject victimhood mentality” and “break the cycle.”

“A survivor needs to learn to love themselves,” she said.

The Compass Center, which recently integrated with Family Services Inc. and Move to Heal to become healing agency Solace, served over 1,000 community members last year, through crisis intervention and advocacy services. They now expect to see nearly 900 clients and 100 youth annually in clinical therapy at Solace.